Jealousy is a secondary emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. An individual becomes fearful and anxious around attention that they perceive is being given to or by someone else who is important to them.

Little pricks of jealousy are normal, but if this feeling gradually captures your whole personality, does not give you peace of mind, brings about imprudent or irrational actions, forces uncontrollable behavior, makes you unpredictable and even dangerous - it is not normal and this should be dealt with. Such zeal can, not just ruin your life, but also literally burn out the passion and the love of relationship with someone you love.

If you are someone who is experiencing jealousy then it is also likely that it will affect your own self-esteem. Whether or not you acknowledge to the other person that your feelings are excessive or irrational, the likelihood is that you will experience a loss of confidence in yourself as well as doubts about your own judgment and sometimes perhaps a sense of personal shame that you do not trust the other person. You may also worry that the situation is outside your control.

As mentioned above, one view of jealousy in a relationship is that ultimately it arises out of insecurities - particularly if the jealousy your are experiencing is unfounded. The three things you need to do to over come jealousy are:

1) Build your self esteem: If your jealousy arises from feeling insecure or from feeling that your worth is dependent on the opinion or praise of one individual then you can try to improve your sense of self esteem and belief in yourself, independently of your partner or whoever is at the centre of your jealous fears. For example: Write a list of your positive qualities and achievements and read it through on a daily basis, or when you are feeling insecure, remind yourself that you do have worth. Spend time participating in pleasurable activities or pastimes that meet your own wishes or needs. This might include exercise or talking to friends or music or going to a health centre - whatever you would like to do for your own enjoyment.

2) Reduce lifestyle elements which might exacerbate jealousy: Avoid intoxicants such as alcohol or illegal drugs, which may exacerbate mood swings and increase chances of you acting in an inappropriate way. Caffeine can sometimes heighten anxiety for some people so I would also recommend for you to avoid that if possible.

3) Address possessive or jealous thoughts: Keep a journal where you can see a pattern developing by identifying situations

• when you find yourself feeling jealous and recording:
• When the feelings and jealous thoughts arise.
• What actual thoughts go through your head.

(a) What you might say to yourself (b) What you might do in terms of actions - to prevent the jealous thought from taking over and to retain your dignity. You might for example: Remind yourself of those positive qualities that you do have and that these are not dependent on the approval or interest of the other person. Count to 10 before opening your mouth in anger to allow yourself to collect thoughts. If there are others present, look at the other people in the room who are not involved in the situation and not even aware of it and start to wonder what they might be thinking about, as a way of taking your mind off the situation. Remind yourself of similar situation when you have managed to stay in control and try to that.

How psychotherapy can help:

Collaboratively we will examine your past for the origins of jealousies. Then we will develop specific practical actions that you can take to begin to address or manage your situation. An example of homework assignments for overcoming jealousy is:

- Assignment 1: Benefits of Overcoming Jealousy

- Assignment 2: Explaining Jealousy

- Assignment 3: Jealous Actions


- Assignment 4: Alternative Actions

- Assignment 5: Justification Analysis


- Assignment 6: Balancing Statements

- Assignment 7: Jealousy Triggers

- Assignment 8: Building Self Worth

- Assignment 9: Personal Goals

- Assignment 10: Communication and Trust