Are you fighting with your partner based on assumptions or reality?

There is no doubt that couples will fight in their relationship. Whether these fights are productive or not it is important to recognize where your arguments are coming from? Are they coming from an assumption or something that happened in real time or (reality)..

Here are a few common reasons couple’s fight:

  1. Finances
  2. Frequency of sex
  3. Kids
  4. Division of labor (who does what in the house)
  5. Extended family
  6. Lack of quality time
  7. Lack of romance

So…. what if my argument is based off an assumption?

Assumptions in relationships can include assuming your partners motives, thoughts, feelings, or needs. Assumptions can be pretty destructive in relationships and can lead to a spiral of misunderstanding, miscommunication, and add further distance between you and your partner.

Assumptions can look like:

“He is being really quiet so obviously he is mad at me.” 

“You should know exactly what I want, why should I have to ask you?”

“I know how she feels”

“We will be so much happier if we do XYZ”

Assumptions can lead to shutting down during arguments and a total loss of connection with your partner. If you are constantly assuming what your partner is thinking or why they did what they did, often times they may feel judged and helpless because they are not given the chance to explain what they are actually thinking or feeling.

The Four Agreements is a wonderful read that offers insight into how self-limiting beliefs that can impact our lives.

One of the 4 agreements states:

“Don’t Make Assumptions: We should not assume that others know what we think or what we want, and vice versa. We should communicate our needs and our feelings clearly, and we should ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions when thinking about the behaviors of others.”

This goes hand in hand with relationships. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Whatever you may be thinking or assuming about your partner, stop, pause, and communicate what you are feeling with them. Having open and honest dialogue based off of reality and not assumptions will only lead to better communication between you and your partner.

Old habits can be hard to break but with a conscious effort, couples can become aware of the assumptions they are making.

Check-in with your partner and asking questions like:

“How can I support you right now?”

What are your thoughts about XYZ?”

“Can I share my thoughts and feelings about this with you?”

“How do you feel about this situation?”

Questions like these open up the opportunity for honest and open conversations and allow you to better understand your partners thoughts and feelings.. Give it a try!

If you and you partner are struggling with communication, my associates and I are currently accepting new clients. Couples therapy can be very beneficial for the overall health and longevity of your relationship. 818.851.1293